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"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."

"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me."

"I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands."

"I used to think I was indecisive. Now I'm not sure."

"I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right."

"I got a reversible jacket for Christmas. I can't wait to see how it turns out."

"I hope life gives you more blessings than you can count...and a few more than you can handle."

"I have kleptomania. When it gets bad, I take something for it."

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."